come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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