next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
