I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
