She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
