Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
