Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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