I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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