When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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