Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
