shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
