I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
as a side note pls kill me
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
