I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
