I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
