I met the friendliest cop last night
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Randomize
