Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
