4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I wish I only lived at night.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
