We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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