i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
