she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
