If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
