I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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