I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
