I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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