I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Randomize
