Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Sorry my hands just texted you
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
