Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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