yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
