My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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