If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
