i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
