I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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