apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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