I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
There's always time for handjobs
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
