I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
