I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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