I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
