You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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