i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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