don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
