my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
