I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
