textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
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