I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
