I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
