i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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