I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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