Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
