Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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