He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
