I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
this just has baby written all over it
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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