I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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