My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
