Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
