I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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