Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
