Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
