I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
