My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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