just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
