i permit you to call me
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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