I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
